JeanieL

Last time I went at this I tried to do the full blown calorie counting mess. It was interesting, but for someone who has no experience dieting it was also really scary. I was so focused on getting it just right that it wasn’t working for me at all…

I might find it useful later down the line, but I’m not going to stress over it. What are the worst problems I am? Drinking cokes, eating fast food, and getting little to no exercise. I do need to eat healthier over all, but if I can get these three things under control then I’ll worry about the rest.

I’m keeping track of the liquids I drink in my diary now so that every time I want to reach for a coke I wince, remembering I have to write it down. I’m also trying to figure out why I like cokes. Of course when I’m drinking one, its good…but its syrup. So thick and sugary. I hate the after taste and how my teeth feel. Ever since my dental problems a few months back I’m very concious of how my teeth and gums feel.

 Fast food shouldn’t be nearly as much of a problem now. I’ve got my own place thats 5 mins from my office, meaning fast food really isn’t all that convenient. I can drive home and make something or have left overs. I’ve banned myself from fast food. I have no excuse to get it now. I have a kitchen full of food I like and most of it isn’t that bad. I gave myself a nice little pat on the back when I went grocery shopping, I skipped the ice cream and sweets and got fruits instead.

Now…the last one is going to be tricky for me. I’m getting all the exercise I need at the moment because of the move. I have sooo much stuff and had very little help, except for the larger pieces of furniture. I’m sore all over and still have so much to unpack. It’ll take me a week at the very least to get things even half way right. But after that? Whats my motivation to keep moving? Yes, theres the pool. That’ll be great for the days it isn’t raining…but I live in south florida, there is almost always rain.

I hate going to the gym, I hate thinking of working out. It starts me off in a bad mood, making me tense the whole time which I’m sure takes away from what I should be doing. I’ve thought of different things but I don’t enjoy any sports or other physical activities. I do want to plant a garden outside of my condo, but that isn’t an every day or even every other day sort of thing. So, whats left? I’ve never been able to dance, never had the confidence to try it. Well guess what, I have a TV and a big living room. To make it even more fun, I’m going with belly dancing. I ordered a few DVDs yesterday, they should be here by monday. I’m too excited to get started, who knows, I might actually be good at it! (lord knows I have know of a belly)

I was doing so well…

I can’t remember the last time I was here, but I lost my motivation again. My fiance is so…

I can’t even go into that. He isn’t supportive to say the least. It all boils down to him thinking if I were skinny and pretty he wouldn’t have a chance with me. I’m so tired of him forcing his insecurities on me. I’m doing this for ME. If he can’t understand that then he is going to lose me, but not because I’m any better looking than I am now. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to play with my little brother and sister without getting out of breath. I want to walk up a flight of stairs without my heart wanting to explode.

 I’m starting over today. I’ll weigh the first chance I get…I’m scared to see how badly I’ve done. I know I’ve gained back every pound I lost and then some. I’m setting my goals again and making healthier choices.

This is the perfect time! I’m moving into my new condo today. Meaning: I’ll have complete control over my diet (before it was whatever my family cooked) and even better, the pool is maybe 15 steps from my patio (and its heated!). There is also a nice walking trail, its so quiet and secluded I wont feel pressured by anyone else.

Cross your fingers for me…hopefully I didn’t fall that far off the wagon. I’m still cringing at the idea of weighing.

I’ve realized since I’ve been here that I am an emotional eater. It hit me a couple of weeks ago when I was really stressed and had a huge craving for ice cream. I told myself no, not only would it be bad for me but it was already 10pm. I got over that and have been paying closer attention to how my emotions effect my eating habits.

 Now I’m at the exact opposite. I’m not bi-polar, but I struggle with another similar mood/behavioral/emotional disorder as well as anxiety disorder. I had a massive trigger last night and have been completely miserable since then. This isn’t the place to go into any detail, but its upsetting enough that I haven’t been able to eat since it happened. My lunch break is coming up in 20 minutes and the thought of eating lunch is making me nautious.

 This can’t be healthy but I literally cant stomach the idea of food right now. I even tried to force myself to eat breakfast but I couldn’t swollow a single spoon full of oatmeal or cereal. I wish I could just get my nerves under control long enough to have a stable diet for once.

I haven’t lost it completely but I’ve realized something else that leaves me a little distressed. My boy friend is good to me, hes always been very supportive but he’s an enabler in more ways than one. I have anxiety problems that were nearly full agoraphobia at one point. He didn’t understand the extent of it until recently, but he picked up on it a while back. He wants to make me happy and thinks that doing everything for me helps. It reduces the stress, yes, but it doesn’t help me deal with or get over these behavioral problems.

 He’s doing the same thing about my weight now. I moved this summer, we’ve only been together twice since I moved so he hasn’t been as great of an influence as he was before. I’ve forced myself to deal with my anxiety and have done it pretty well. But now I’m seeing that it wasn’t just my emotions he was hindering. Hes here right now, staying till Thursday. Hes told me I’m beautiful, he doesnt care what I look like, that I’m not big. Every time I’ve commented about being hungry he jumps up and makes a snack…all of which are very unhealthy. When I was having problems with my gums last week he insisted that I stay on a diet of milk shakes…

 So many other small things…and he knows I’m trying to lose weight. I’ve told him I’m cutting fatting foods out, especially anything fried. He doesn’t think its possible to have a meal without something fried in it. I’ve tried talking to him but he just doesn’t get it and its so hard to stay motivated and keep working towards a better life when hes constantly shoving things at me and making sure I don’t have to do anything (cleaning, cooking, etc.)

 I think what makes it worse is that he eats such terrible food. His idea of a good meal: fried potatos, fried meat, both covered in melted cheese. He drinks so much soda too, more than I could even if I wanted to. He never drinks water, unless hes very sick. The man is tiny to the point of being scrawny. Hes tall and thin. He doesn’t really exercise either. When we first got together he was in pretty good shape too, not muscular but trim. Hes let that go since then but he hasn’t gained weight like crazy. But I gained roughly 100lbs and went from a size 16 to a 26 since I’ve been with him (4 yrs).

Ugh! It’s just so frustrating!

I can blame everyone in the world but it isn’t going to change a thing. I’m so miserable right now because of issues with my mouth. A few days ago my gums started to get tender and swell, making it painful to eat. A few visits to the doc and dentist later and I’m looking at almost 2k just to fix the basic problems.

First steps out of the way, basic cleaning done. Hurt so bad because my gums along the back of my teeth are extremely irritated right now. They said the cleaning would help because they can’t work on anything else until the swelling goes down. Everything feels worse than before now and I’m left wondering why I paid to be in even more pain.

 But I’m taking the chance to do a little system cleaning. I haven’t been able to consume solid food since Monday, so I’m very worried about what I’m drinking. I’ve got a little stock pile of meal replacement drinks, V8, and some other juices.

Couldn’t have come at a more perfect time (read with sarcasm). My boyfriend just flew in to visit for a week. He isn’t complaining, such a sweetheart, he says he got here just in time to baby me. I’d feel better about it if his babying didn’t come along with offers of milk shakes and other cold soft sweets. He says he doesn’t notice any changes, but I’m feeling different in my clothes now so I guess it doesn’t matter what he says.

Anyways! I should get back to work, I just had to get that balled up stress out into the world.

I’m not giving in by any means, but after actually thinking about how far off I am…I’m a little disturbed. I know I’m not healthy. I know I’m EXTREMELY out of shape and over weight. But somehow I’ve managed to convince myself that it wasn’t actually that bad.

From 12 to 15 I was in a karate program. I did have a hard time keeping up with the other kids, I was overweight then too. But I could do the work outs, I managed my way up to a green belt and placed in a regional tournament even. Last night I decided to try the old warm up routine, which was a series of stretches and other things like jumping jacks and push ups. I couldn’t finish 5 jumping jacks. Only 1 push up. The stretches weren’t that bad, but I didn’t put myself too hard. I’m sore today after just that.

I started to think about it at that point. Four years ago I was a size 16. That’s large, I know, but at this point I’d love to be that ’small’ again. I’m now a size 26/28.

I’ve accepted what I eat is a problem, not the size but the content. I actually ate about 400 less calories yesterday than I could have, but they were all fatty. I’m not active enough and I need to change that. I’m borrowing my step moms parking pass and going to start walking through this nature park near my house. I’ve always loved nature so the idea of walking through a mini-forest is more comforting than a treadmill in a gym.

Here’s to a healthier me.

I’ve struggled with weight problems since the age of 7 or so. My parents divorced and I took it hard. So did my mother who didn’t understand it wasn’t normal for a child to eat so much and be completely inactive.

My eating habits only grew worse as I got older. I lived alone with my mother who didn’t enjoy cooking. We had fast food for nearly ever meal. I also fought depression for several years, going through bouts where I ate nearly nothing followed by days of eating everything I could get my hands on.

Add an emotionally abusive relationship to that and here I am, over 300 lbs and hating myself for it.

I moved to Florida two months ago to completely start over. New life, new me. Shedding these embarrassing pounds is one of many problems I want to be done with.